I'm leaving korea.

 In early 2017 I moved to Korea with not much idea of what I was doing and with no plans. I didn't expect teaching English to last more than a year or two, but I also had no idea what I was going to do with my life. A few months later in August, I met the love of my life. Soon thereafter we moved in together and my life changed, for the worse (not because of him!).

I've always had a fairly dependent personality. Growing up with no self esteem or sense of independence is a recipe for disaster. I was entering adulthood and my first full time job while also moving across the planet. Although I had been to Korea before, it was still a big transition. I fell into a toxic cycle of attention-seeking, immature behavior. I relied on him for literally everything. I couldn't do my job. I resigned anyway in order to stay here and stay with not only him, but my new comfort zone.

Korea coddled me. It allowed me to avoid the hard truths of growing up. Everything in Korea is easy for us foreigners. Most everything is done for us. It's easy as heck to get around, even more so since I speak Korean. Anything we want is basically handed over on a golden platter. It's easy to save money. It's easy to get into bad habits of drinking every weekend and partying, and it's easy to keep doing that and fall deeper and deeper into this easy, coddled lifestyle. The longer you're here, the harder it is to break free, grow up, and dive into the deep end.

The first two years were rough. My mental health was at an all time low. I can not remember the vast majority of things that my man remembers. I came to Korea hoping to escape from something. My traumatic past at home. My own personal issues that I aggressively blamed on the US or anything/anyone else besides myself. And at first, it was great. But that novelty quickly faded and I began to realize I was just as miserable as I had been the previous five years in the US. There were positives, of course, but unfortunately due to the genuinely horrific state of my mental health, I remember almost none of it.

Year three things began to improve. I started going to the gym and attempted to get my sh** together. I had a more enjoyable, less stressful job.

Then COVID happened.

I have to say, despite what you might expect, the second half of 2020 was actually one of the best years I have had in a very long time. I started a new job in May as a homeroom teacher. I discovered a passion for teaching and started an online teacher preparation program. I completed a five day bike trip around Jeju Island. I started going to 1million Dance Studio and dancing regularly, which had been my dream for the past four years but fear and lack of confidence held me back. It felt amazing to finally be doing these things and to have the strength and confidence to do so.

Fast forward to the end of my fourth year teaching. In April, I was diagnosed with ADHD. This was a life changing day in which I finally had answers. My whole life I had spent wondering what was wrong with me, why I couldn't "just do it" like other people around me, no matter how hard I tried. Wondering why just functioning at even just 80% of a normal person was sometimes exhausting the point of mental breakdowns.

I also completed my teaching preparation program in April and made the decision not to resign my contract.

And leave Korea.

This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Not only am I jumping headfirst out of my comfort zone, leaving my dance studio behind, leaving all my friends behind, leaving KOREA behind; but I'm entering a long-distance relationship. This decision ultimately came out of my just complete and utter exhaustion with the education system in Korea. I can not work in this country anymore, however much I love it, the education and hagwon system is f****d. That's another post for another time.

I feel I have plateaued, and that my self improvement and growth can not flourish any more as long as I'm here. I'm held back in my career. I'm held back by being in this comfort zone and in the company of my man, however amazing he is, I can not help but lean on him a bit.

I need to learn how to live alone and be independent.

So this new journey is not only to take another step in my career as a teacher, but just as much it is a personal decision to deliberately put myself in a difficult, challenging, scary situation so that I can grow.

As of now, my flight is in four days. I am feeling every emotion on the spectrum. But the big one is fear. Dread of saying goodbye to my man. Anxiety. Life isn't easy in the U.S. (god forbid I end up getting sick and need healthcare......) and sometimes I feel like I've gone crazy and made a terrible decision.

But I know this is for the best. I need space. He needs space. I need a change.

We both need a change.

"Let's become the best version of ourselves." — this is our motto going forward.

Let's see how this goes.